OL's are weird. Well, mysterious, at least. They're always way over there, doing, what? While we're always way over here, doing what we do, practicing.

We only see em, really, 4th period, team, and 5th, conditioning.

Watching OL's condition, by the way, is torture for anyone with a heart.

I always thought they should do their conditioning separate.

Heck, they do everything else way over there.

But, that wouldn't work.

They need to suffer.

And they need to do it in front of us.

Yeah, I don't exactly know what they spend all that time working on, always on the far side of the field.

By the backstop.

But one thing I have observed:

EVERY OL Coach I have ever worked with is almost freakishly obsessed with Splits.

The exact distance, to the cm, apparently, between, for example, LT's R foot and LG's L pedal extremity.

EVERY OL Coach I ever staffed with. ALL of em.

He spends, seemingly, 50% of his time going over his Splits.

Lining up his 5, over and over again, measuring with that practiced eye that evidently vital space between each foot.

Apparently, Coach has determined on 18 inches, and 17.5 and 18.5 just will not do.

And, now, AGAIN, he's all pissed cuz LG (who really is an idiot) just doesn't get it.

So there's Coach (he's 54, now) over there, PHYSICALLY lifting LG's R foot and smushing it forcefully into the dirt exactly where it's sposed to be.

I also know that all OL Coaches start out ambitious: 36 inch Splits!

But there they are again, every HT, again, all off by themselves, adjusting.

Changing their splits.

Always narrowing, apparently getting real, never widening.

Any OL's out there?

FG and P teams: Splits are absolute zero.

During ST's practice (which always drags on 30 minutes past schedule, half the time always wasted).

Example:

P team!

Get out there!

Hurry up!

10 guys sprint out.

5 minutes elapse looking for and arguing over who's #11.

And where is he?

Cuz he surely needs to be [bleep]ed out.

Then, someone might yell at me:

Coach, gimme 2 returners!

I'd hustle, oh boy.

So, they get their 13 out there.

And the 23 of us are sposed to line the sideline, shoulder to shoulder, all bellies forward, facing the action, paying attention, we all might be called on one day.

So we 23 shoulder up, try to keep from getting yelled at.

But, no way.

They punt it L, they punt it R, they punt it down the middle.

Schtmmp.

2.9 seconds hangtime.

Fumbled by returnman, both he and partner go off flopping after it.

10 ST'ers converge.

Vs air.

P'er kinda jogs.

While ST's Coach and 2 others interested in this stuff spy critically from strategic selected vantage spots.

Checking those all important Lane Angles.

Converge on that fumble, yes.

But don't you dare run straight to it.

You'll get royally [bleep]ed out.

Gotta kinda banana toward it.

The point: each practice punt takes like 7 minutes.

They all come trotting back.

The 3 Coaches coach up some angles.

Get the ball back in.

Do it again.

While, meanwhile, we 23 are all gettin hella bored.

So, groups of kids start kickin it.

But.

The INSTANT they rotate their shoulders, turn to face each other for a quick laugh...

Taylor! Godammit! Pay attention! You wanna run?!

So, after a few years, I flat out told the kids.

Never belly away from the action.

Always face the football.

Learn to talk without looking at each other.

Then, you can do what you want.

You can easily talk to a guy 8 men down.

It's a good thing.

Never turn your back on the action.

You are very liable one day to get hit hard in the helmet with a 60 mph fast ball.

Or worse.

In Hawaii they say, never turn your back on the ocean.

As a school teacher, you're really smart to talk with friends, or kids, the both of you, side by side, back to a wall.

But, if you really were to pay attention to, say, FG team practice, where the belly up rule, by the way, is much less strictly enforeced.

What you'd see is:

All 3 involved Coaches, almost every day, physically picking up players' feet and smushing them violently, angrily, into the very foot of his neighbor, cleat overlapping cleat.

Absolute zero Splits in FG.

FG practice is lots more fun cuz up to a dozen guys, anyone who wants a crack, rotate in, about 5 or so at a time, try for FG block.

Huge opportunity for lesser guy to advance himself---FG block.

Incidentally, Coach wants to HEAR something.

He scouts with his ears as well as his eyes.

You wanna get any Coach's attention: make NOISE with your pads.

Professor Eyepatch